An Epic Failure!

Seriously, today is a freaking bad, bad day. I feel so hopeless, disappointed and useless. Birthdays are suppose to be a surprise and happy occassion but I think I lost my appetite today. It's my mum's birthday and that was the worst birthday surprise. Seriously. I am not going to eat the cake or anything. I feel like crying. I didn't even sing happy birthday song to her and I faked smile. How mean of me but I seriously hate hate hate hate hate people who likes to make me jealous and make me like I'm no one.

I'm broke and I don't have anything for my mum but a home made card. But I'm sure she doesn't want it. I wanted to bake something or cook something for I had no idea what to cook and I don't have the ingredients to bake.

No surprise and all, my mum feels angry and upset. Whatever. I seriously hate people who don't appreciate what we've or I've done even though it's not that good. At least put a smile, god damn it! Be happy for what it already is. I don't really care if my birthday has been a total disaster because it's just stupid. I don't really show a shock of face or anything. I know it's my birthday so I don't get surprises. But I appreciate it. I don't refuse or show a retarded face. Like seriously. Urgh!

I don't mind if no one wants to give me birthday present because I don't give a damn. I don't care if I don't celebrate my birthday because I don't give a damn at all! I hate the world, I hate me, I hate my family (just speaking out of anger), I hate everyone! Anyone who is reading this, just ignore all this because this is about me and I'm just speaking it out of anger.

Because I don't show my true feelings no one understands me. But it hurts inside. I'm so so very hurt. I feel like I'm a very vulnerable woman. I get hurt easily but I don't show them because, not because I feel embarrass. I just don't like people to know I'm sad. I'm scared of hurting anyone and I'm scared of hurting my own feelings. I feel insecure. It's like if I tell them about my honest thoughts it's like I'm pouring a deep dark secret. I wish, I just wish someone will actually notice me for once, whether I'm hurt or not, without me telling them that I am sad. And if that person does, maybe,just maybe I'll be able to open up a little because seriously I need someone to talk to. I'm desperate but I can't make that move. As I have said, I feel insecure and scared.

Man, I feel like a miserable girl, but I can't be so miserable because I know there are other people who are more unfortunate than me. If only I could think of myself rather than thinking of others. I'm a very easy person to be taken advantage of, but I can't always do that...