About Fitting In

Can i cry? No, i can't because I'm not the kind of girl who will cry for a ridiculous thing. But, can i sry? I'm feeling a bit down. I don't know why. I mean there is this feeling i need to tell people about my feelings. I'm just sad. I'm too quiet thinking that i'm mute.

It's so hard to fit in to an unkown country. You think you have friends but you don't have. Just like me. I'm lonely. I do have friends but they left me. Not left me like long gone. They just see me as a person only. It's like i'm crushed to the ground and left me crumpled into piece. My friends don't really know my religion or my race. They don't know what i like. They don't know anything about me. Because of one thing: I'm not like them.

I feel a bit jealous when someone gets all the attention and i'm left alone. I'm always outside of the circle. I'm always not trusted. No one tells me a secret. I don't know. I mean they talked about stuff but i'm just scared they talk about me. To be honest, I am scared.

I'm scared my life will be ruin. I'm scared I don't have anyone to look up to. I'm scared of people leaving me. I'm scared of people talking about me. I'm scared of... It will go on. I don't want to be scared of any of those.

Everyone stares at me as if i'm a piece of crap. I'm just scared. It's so hard to open that mouth and say it out because not only will i hurt myself but others will too.

I'm different because i'm not the kind of girl who everyone is. Girls screaming out loud, being risky, not caring about their life. Happy go lucky. Doesn't care if they were embarrassed. They can say whatever they want to say ignoring people's comments. No. I am not loud, i'm quiet among my friends. I observe and listen to them. I don't like to be embarrass because it brings my emotions down. I can't say whatever i want because people are thinking about you.

That's why I never talk about myself, my feelings, my thoughts to any of my friends. That's why they never understand me. That's why they don't know all about me. That's why i can't decide.

An occassion is coming and i don't know if i should go because i will be quiet, will not do what they will do and just be my own. I want to go because it sounds fun but i didn't want to go because i don't know if i can do something different. Should i go or not? My friends always exclude me and it hurts me but i never say this because i don't want them thinking of me and think that i want them to sympathy me.

Fitting in is so hard but having my family is better because they always keeps me alive. Right now, I'm thinking of going back to my own country and live the way I used to be but some people say you will fit in someday...