I am JEALOUS, PISSED,STUPID AND DAMNED STUBBORN!

This has nothing to do with today. It was like in two days ago or three days, not sure.Anyway, here is some updates.

Jealous. Well, I am jealous of my sisters because one particular thing that i don't have- open. They are so open to people no matter what gender. I have a problem with it and god, I really can't take it away from my head. It's always stuck in it and made me so angry and just want to cry. I'm serious. It's the two words that kept a barrier between them, shy and not confident. I always thought of talking in public with so much confidence and be hyper with my voice. I want to talk to everyone, to whoever there is even though I'm talking to strangers. Just saying one word 'hi', I'm so happy and will be smiling widely. I want to be like everyone else. Just talk to them and know them. Being confident and just you know TALK! Shy, oh boy. Help me with it. That word, I hate it. Never like saying it, hearing it, thinking about it. That word is evil. I don't want to be the sweet, shy, innocent girl, you know. I want to be open, talkative, a joker and maybe more than that. It can never go away from me. IT's always been in me and kept in my genes, I think. Urgh, I hate it. I want to have lots of fun. I want to be sporty. I want to be a musician, playing the guitar. So many ambitions but none will make me succeed because one thing is not there, confidence. Just wish I had the confidence to do what I want and live up my dreams. But can I do it?

Pissed. Oh, yes. I was pissed with someone who I hated the most. HIM! I HATE HIM! He made my heart ache. I am not saying it is my boyfriend. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I don't have one yet so GET OVER IT. I named him penguin. I know weird rite. To me it was too because I was finding something evil, cruel name. But penguin would be okay, who cares. He breaks my heart one day and made me almost cry. One time, I was whining about the ice-cream and penguin says that if he buys more ice-cream and i said that, I can't eat it anymore. Well, it turns out he was at fault too. I was preparing his dinner and he says why the rice was hard and not soft, it was cook actually. But he still eat it. In my heart, I felt like shouting at him to not eat it then. I was screaming in my head, swearing and cursing in my head. I almost wanted to get out of the house but I can't, i wish to. I wanted to kill myself you know. I hate him shouting around the house and ordering us. I HATE IT! My life is about to crash and torn into tiny little pieces. Stupid, PENGUIN! Urgh! DAMN HIM! DAMN BLOODY PENGUIN!

Exams are coming and guess what, I haven't start studying yet. Yes I know. I'm very lazy at times you know. I just found out I failed my math test and it is very low. You don't want to know. It is very very very low. First time failed it. Urgh. It was too difficult. But I'm going to do better in my exams. I don't care. I am going to do my best but I have to get my body into physical work and make my brain wake up and start thinking and solving and memorising stuff. I have to. I can't sit back and wait till last minute. That's one part of my personality. Haiz...

Yesterday night was a weird night. Very strange. It's not me who is crazy. My sister was weird. The youngest one. Yes, that one. She slept in my room because I forced her to. Hhehe, yeah. Okay, we always talk in the dark while lying down on the bed preparing to sleep. We slept late about ten something. It was quiet after we talked and then she started a convo again about something. She said she wants to be like me. I mean being clever and studying and getting high marks. I was surprised when she says that. I was thinking that she wants to follow me like I'm her influential person, you know. Yes it is sweet to say those things to me but I was worried because I'm not clever. It's just naturally like that. Iused to be not clever, for your info. Maybe I was genetically like that. I mean my personality or characteristics that is stored in the genes from my parents because they are clever. Yes, they are. And I love them for that but I can't say myself that I am clever. I prefer people who gets so much high marks than me, get so many a's and just so intelligent that you can skip high school and go to university. That is what I call that person clever, smart, intelligent. I was speechless to her. I couldn't say anything. I know I was wrong that I should encourage her or support her but I can't. My thoughts went blank. She said she was jealous of it too. AndI just changed the subject about other stuff. It was scary. The most fearful thing I've ever heard. Believe me.

Well, I'm not suppose to do this but I had to blog, you know. To bring out my emotions. Now, I have to, um, study. I should practice my math. Which subject should I do? No, I'll study english because that is my first exam subject. So I'll study that first and then the others will be later.

Guess what! I was so excited when my mother said that my cousin is coming soon but too late, he will be coming on the day of my last exam. My mother thought he can teach me stuff but he comes later. Anyway, he will be staying with us and then he will go to melbourne and then come back to perth again. He is from singapore so yeah. Came here for vacation, I thought it was job or university. I can't wait. So long never talk to him! Yay! I'll be jumping up for joy. Woo hoo! Come one people, let's cheer it.

Okay, I'm very hyper in my thoughts. I got to go anyway. I know the blog was depressing but in the ned I kept it happy. Sometimes my emotions change quickly. See ya!