FYI

Why are people always forcing me to be so academically intelligent? Why is it I always gets jealous when my cousins get a very high score or mark than me? Am i smart or just plain lazy to move my heavy shit bud and start studying or too lazy to use my big brain to think?
Who am i? What can my brain do? Does it actually store memories up there? Is it the biggest and most powerful tool ever? What are my talents?
Just because I'm asian doesn't mean i must be recognisedd as being intelligent or smart. i know what i can do and can't do. No one can ever force to do what i hate nost. I hate people who are not proud of me. Meaning I did something good but a little mistake there and these people just talk shit. I'm not kidding.
I'm tired of being the cleverest person in my family. I want to be the average. I'm tired of people pushing me around and streesing me. I'm tired of opening my mouth abd talk because i don't give a damn shit about it. I hate it when my sisters look up to me and say oh, i wish i could be like you as in being smart. Because this is what i will say. Leave my private shit life alone and don't talk about me that i don't like knowing or have.
I'm not innocent. I hate being innocent. Innocent, to me, is a shit word. You talking about me being innocent. Guess what, i'll take my fist and punch you in the face. i don't talk to people because i know i am not that interesting. I keep everything to my self. i talk to my annoying heead, which sometimes talks to me somehow, most of the time. I say 95% of it. Because all my life, I'm always being left out.
I don't like people to stare at me because it made me freak out. I mean, you look at me and i would say why is that person looking at me that way or is there something wrong with me?
Why can't i just be free. Free to do what i want. I want a world to be a fantasy place. Just lots of excitement, nothing to do with studying or tv or anything. My point is leave my freaking dead life alone and let me enjoy what i want. i want to be alone in that place and adventure it. I wish that it will come true but who cares because it's not about you and it doesn't make sense ANYWAY.
Everyone is so talented. Me? I'm zero. Nothing. I'm not talented in academic although some people think I am but the truth is I'm not. My cousins have big ambition and they are always the top while me- i'm at the ground.
Maybe I did all these good things because i hate people to know or say that my family is stupid or not a good family. It hurts me when people gossip about my family. That's why i tried to stand up for my family. I doesn't matter if i'm the eldest or the youngest. When you feel it, you want to do something right. That's how I felt.
No one knows about this. This blod or my own journal makes me admit the truth about me. It made me feel pity to myself that I am suffering the burden(i mean, no one would feel pity for themselves. It's not logic at all. Who cares? I DON'T CARE!), keeping everything away from the people who I trust because I can't say it out. It might make that person hurt or even my family. But i have to say. the person who would be hurt the most is me. You think I'm going nuts or this blog is just lame and it has nothing to do with you or you don't even care about it) because you don't know how it feels to be at that position where you feel trapped.
Oh i wish i could say it through my mouth but i don't admit it that way because it made me feel insecure. It's so hard to believe what i typed but someday you'll get over it.
So little words to describe me but what i can say is i'm just not that type of person who anyone can look up to.

If you think this blog is just plain nothing to you then thank you for wasting your time. This may not be about you. I'm writing this because i felt the need to talk about me and how i feel. So, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN SHIT ABOUT IT!