Seriously, today is a freaking bad, bad day. I feel so hopeless, disappointed and useless. Birthdays are suppose to be a surprise and happy occassion but I think I lost my appetite today. It's my mum's birthday and that was the worst birthday surprise. Seriously. I am not going to eat the cake or anything. I feel like crying. I didn't even sing happy birthday song to her and I faked smile. How mean of me but I seriously hate hate hate hate hate people who likes to make me jealous and make me like I'm no one.
I'm broke and I don't have anything for my mum but a home made card. But I'm sure she doesn't want it. I wanted to bake something or cook something for I had no idea what to cook and I don't have the ingredients to bake.
No surprise and all, my mum feels angry and upset. Whatever. I seriously hate people who don't appreciate what we've or I've done even though it's not that good. At least put a smile, god damn it! Be happy for what it already is. I don't really care if my birthday has been a total disaster because it's just stupid. I don't really show a shock of face or anything. I know it's my birthday so I don't get surprises. But I appreciate it. I don't refuse or show a retarded face. Like seriously. Urgh!
I don't mind if no one wants to give me birthday present because I don't give a damn. I don't care if I don't celebrate my birthday because I don't give a damn at all! I hate the world, I hate me, I hate my family (just speaking out of anger), I hate everyone! Anyone who is reading this, just ignore all this because this is about me and I'm just speaking it out of anger.
Because I don't show my true feelings no one understands me. But it hurts inside. I'm so so very hurt. I feel like I'm a very vulnerable woman. I get hurt easily but I don't show them because, not because I feel embarrass. I just don't like people to know I'm sad. I'm scared of hurting anyone and I'm scared of hurting my own feelings. I feel insecure. It's like if I tell them about my honest thoughts it's like I'm pouring a deep dark secret. I wish, I just wish someone will actually notice me for once, whether I'm hurt or not, without me telling them that I am sad. And if that person does, maybe,just maybe I'll be able to open up a little because seriously I need someone to talk to. I'm desperate but I can't make that move. As I have said, I feel insecure and scared.
Man, I feel like a miserable girl, but I can't be so miserable because I know there are other people who are more unfortunate than me. If only I could think of myself rather than thinking of others. I'm a very easy person to be taken advantage of, but I can't always do that...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Lonely and Bored
Hello, again! Lol. Anyway, it has been a long time. I thought of not continuing my blog but... I needed to write something. Besides, it's the reason of having a blog, right? Lol. Okay, let's start how my day went.
It has been bad for the past few weeks. Actually, this year is like a bad luck year for me; lots of unexpected things happened to me. I, too, have lots of problems. There's so many things in my mind and I had to just write it in my blog since not many people read it. Plus, I think I'll feel a little better to let out everything.
Anyway... let's start.
Okay, my sister has been ignoring me for the past few weeks. I don't know why but...yeah. And, honestly, I'm frustrated because she's acting like this. I don't know what's her problem. What did I ever do wrong?! Everytime I ask her a question, she wouldn't answer me. Seriously, she's pissing me off. Ever since high school, she has been acting like that. Talk about maturity! I doubt. She's still a childish moron (sorry for my obscenity, but whatever). I hate her!
Right...this might sound weird but I really have to say it. I envy her. She has lots of friends, she can find friends easily, she can make a scene, she's popular but not so. While me...I'm nothing. I feel like the odd one out. I think I'm anti-social. Do you know why? It's because I'm being too thoughtful and worry too much. If only I could let out everything I have to say or act normally. Perhaps, it's because of trusting people. It's probably the reason I don't talk much and keep everything to myself. It's just...I'm scared of saying whatever I want to say because I might hurt them. I think I'm the one who is sensitive, even though I shouldn't be. It's like if I say those hurtful stuff, it feels like I'm being stab at the back. Drama, much? Lol. But that's how it feels. I'm always taking the blame, the guilt. Sometimes, I wish I could say 'sorry' easily, but coming out from my mouth is harder than I think. So much for being matured.
Some people think being thoughtful and worrying stuff is good, but I don't really like it. As if I don't have a life, you know. Like I don't have a sense of humour. That's it; I'm being too serious. I take things so seriously; I want everything to be perfect, simple and easy. Talk about being a perfectionist. I think it's bad. Everywhere I go, people would say 'everything is not perfect' or 'people make mistakes'. Blah...blah...blah... Sigh.......
So... now I'm back to my ownself. You know, being the lonely girl. It's alright cause I'm use to it. Everyone do their own thing, I do my own thing. They shut me out, I shout them out. Easy peasy. :)
Sometimes it feels like a burden to me not talking everything out. But keeping to myself is a big habit to myself. It seems my heart will never settle. Not a single relieve.
Anyway, let's just forget about everything. I'm tired of people hearing me out because I hate to. So I'll just stop here. :) I must say, this blog has been a heavy topic. Lol. But that's what I'm thinking right now. Okay, that's for now. Toodles!
It has been bad for the past few weeks. Actually, this year is like a bad luck year for me; lots of unexpected things happened to me. I, too, have lots of problems. There's so many things in my mind and I had to just write it in my blog since not many people read it. Plus, I think I'll feel a little better to let out everything.
Anyway... let's start.
Okay, my sister has been ignoring me for the past few weeks. I don't know why but...yeah. And, honestly, I'm frustrated because she's acting like this. I don't know what's her problem. What did I ever do wrong?! Everytime I ask her a question, she wouldn't answer me. Seriously, she's pissing me off. Ever since high school, she has been acting like that. Talk about maturity! I doubt. She's still a childish moron (sorry for my obscenity, but whatever). I hate her!
Right...this might sound weird but I really have to say it. I envy her. She has lots of friends, she can find friends easily, she can make a scene, she's popular but not so. While me...I'm nothing. I feel like the odd one out. I think I'm anti-social. Do you know why? It's because I'm being too thoughtful and worry too much. If only I could let out everything I have to say or act normally. Perhaps, it's because of trusting people. It's probably the reason I don't talk much and keep everything to myself. It's just...I'm scared of saying whatever I want to say because I might hurt them. I think I'm the one who is sensitive, even though I shouldn't be. It's like if I say those hurtful stuff, it feels like I'm being stab at the back. Drama, much? Lol. But that's how it feels. I'm always taking the blame, the guilt. Sometimes, I wish I could say 'sorry' easily, but coming out from my mouth is harder than I think. So much for being matured.
Some people think being thoughtful and worrying stuff is good, but I don't really like it. As if I don't have a life, you know. Like I don't have a sense of humour. That's it; I'm being too serious. I take things so seriously; I want everything to be perfect, simple and easy. Talk about being a perfectionist. I think it's bad. Everywhere I go, people would say 'everything is not perfect' or 'people make mistakes'. Blah...blah...blah... Sigh.......
So... now I'm back to my ownself. You know, being the lonely girl. It's alright cause I'm use to it. Everyone do their own thing, I do my own thing. They shut me out, I shout them out. Easy peasy. :)
Sometimes it feels like a burden to me not talking everything out. But keeping to myself is a big habit to myself. It seems my heart will never settle. Not a single relieve.
Anyway, let's just forget about everything. I'm tired of people hearing me out because I hate to. So I'll just stop here. :) I must say, this blog has been a heavy topic. Lol. But that's what I'm thinking right now. Okay, that's for now. Toodles!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Holidays...
I didn't expect this year's holiday to be so freaking busy. Well, I think it's because my cousin is here for a vacation. Yes, I went to Bunbury on Saturday to Sunday and Had a lot of fun because there were three more families. I like the place, lots of wind and sight seeing, I think, especially the beach. I took lots of photos with cousin and others. Seriously, the truth, I hate taking photos! I don't like too. I don't even like holding the camera. I don't know why. Maybe, it's because I can't smile? My smiles are always awkward. Okay, then we went cherry picking. The cherries were awesome and sweet! Then when I got home, I just went to sleep. My eyes can't open for a very long time.
Today, went out grocery shopping and I bought a book! Surprise! Finally, there's a story book or I'll get bored at home. My mum is just pissed off at me because she hates seeing me buying a book and read it all day without even eating and praying. (It's true, haha) Anyway, tomorrow, I'm going to a dinner party with my friends as she's leaving. It's sad, I know... Then on Wednesday, I'm going shopping at the city with friends and family and cousin. We're going to occupy all the asian shops. Hahaha! On thursday. I'm going to Rottnest Island for, I don't know, sight seeing or cycle? Got to check up on that! On Friday, I'm not sure. On Saturday, shopping again at Fremantle. This list will go on. Seriously, My schedule is so TIGHT! It's the best holiday too. The bestest among other holidays! Then on 1st Jan I'm going back to Singapore! Ya-hooooo!
So, it's going to be freaking awesome, but it's going to be tiring. Anyway, those were the updates.
Oh, I finally got my report and it was pretty good. There's no D's so I'm happy abou it. I bought my books too. What's bothering me was the chemistry books. I have five of them! I mean who carries five books toschool for chemistry?! Freaking awkward, but who cares, I think.
Movies...! I really want to watch Avatar and the Lovely Bones. I have to!!!!!!!! They are going to be good.
Anyway, right now, my head is just spinning. Headaches, yeah, I know. Urgh, hate it! I need to get enough sleep seriously! Got to remind myself never to sleep late. Hahah!
So, that's it for now! I'll update soon when things get more exciting!
Today, went out grocery shopping and I bought a book! Surprise! Finally, there's a story book or I'll get bored at home. My mum is just pissed off at me because she hates seeing me buying a book and read it all day without even eating and praying. (It's true, haha) Anyway, tomorrow, I'm going to a dinner party with my friends as she's leaving. It's sad, I know... Then on Wednesday, I'm going shopping at the city with friends and family and cousin. We're going to occupy all the asian shops. Hahaha! On thursday. I'm going to Rottnest Island for, I don't know, sight seeing or cycle? Got to check up on that! On Friday, I'm not sure. On Saturday, shopping again at Fremantle. This list will go on. Seriously, My schedule is so TIGHT! It's the best holiday too. The bestest among other holidays! Then on 1st Jan I'm going back to Singapore! Ya-hooooo!
So, it's going to be freaking awesome, but it's going to be tiring. Anyway, those were the updates.
Oh, I finally got my report and it was pretty good. There's no D's so I'm happy abou it. I bought my books too. What's bothering me was the chemistry books. I have five of them! I mean who carries five books toschool for chemistry?! Freaking awkward, but who cares, I think.
Movies...! I really want to watch Avatar and the Lovely Bones. I have to!!!!!!!! They are going to be good.
Anyway, right now, my head is just spinning. Headaches, yeah, I know. Urgh, hate it! I need to get enough sleep seriously! Got to remind myself never to sleep late. Hahah!
So, that's it for now! I'll update soon when things get more exciting!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Staying late
I'm really a naughty girl. Really I am. Always staying up late. Doing what? Computer, of course! Hehehe. It's not a good thing to use the computer for hours but I'm addicted to it. Ever since I came here. Haha.
Anyway, my computer is now used as the main computer because the previous main computer is retarded. Old to function anymore. Stupid! I want my own computer and my father used mine as the main one. I'll get him for this!
I've been busy on computer again. I have been publishing my own novels online and I must say it's really good. I've been getting lots of readers and comments. I love it! Thanks guys! Love you all!
Good news. I've been passing my exams. I still have not gotten my english yet. Slow markers! I'm getting A's and B's I think. I'm not sure yet. Anyway, there are still tests going on and I'm really not into studying. My memory is too full.
Anyway, I've been busy during the weekends. I made chocolate mouse on Friday for Eid and lots of people like it. It's really tiring because it takes a long time for me to get it perfect. And then today my mum told me to do chocolate mouse again because I will be going to a barbecue for lunch tomorrow. Man, so much work to do.
So, at least I have been updating my blog from time to time. I hope this fills in for the times I've been quiet. Haha. Now you know why. Well, have fun and goodnight!
Anyway, my computer is now used as the main computer because the previous main computer is retarded. Old to function anymore. Stupid! I want my own computer and my father used mine as the main one. I'll get him for this!
I've been busy on computer again. I have been publishing my own novels online and I must say it's really good. I've been getting lots of readers and comments. I love it! Thanks guys! Love you all!
Good news. I've been passing my exams. I still have not gotten my english yet. Slow markers! I'm getting A's and B's I think. I'm not sure yet. Anyway, there are still tests going on and I'm really not into studying. My memory is too full.
Anyway, I've been busy during the weekends. I made chocolate mouse on Friday for Eid and lots of people like it. It's really tiring because it takes a long time for me to get it perfect. And then today my mum told me to do chocolate mouse again because I will be going to a barbecue for lunch tomorrow. Man, so much work to do.
So, at least I have been updating my blog from time to time. I hope this fills in for the times I've been quiet. Haha. Now you know why. Well, have fun and goodnight!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I'm sorry for what I wrote
Okay. I never really know people actually read my blog. So lesson number one: don't ever write something that will hurt them especially the people who are reading my blog. Seriously, I'm clueless. I guess it's too late.
Anyway, my point is I'm sorry for what I wrote before ABOUT FITTING IN. Yes, I am honestly sorry. To whoever reads this, again I am sorry. You want me to say it to you but I can't say the word to anyone out loud. I am sorry for a million times. I didn't mean it that way actually. I didn't think anyone would take it so seriously and get offended. I'm sorry if i offended you too. I don't know, I feel like bowing to you and just keep saying sorry. Ah well, just forget what I wrote. Sometimes I type stuff out of my mind without thinking. Maybe because I was angry or sad or need to reflect on something but please don't take it too seriously.
You know what a blog is so let it do its job and let me express my feelings to whoever. This is the reason why I never say all the kind of bad stuff that will hurt anyone coming out from my mouth. I write it. It's better.
But sometimes people say writing is not enough and you have to say it out because your heart will be full of heartache. It is true. It happened to me but I never confess anything to anyone. I still keep it in my heart and bury it. I try to forget it and say it's long gone.
Well, this is to nash and friends: I'm sorry if I offend you. (I know I've written that so many times.) Anyway, don't take it to heart okay. I'm feeling okay. It's fine if I'm left out or never contribute to anything because I have live all my life like that ever since primary school. Don't worry. I prefer to be quiet than saying anything else unless I need to but that has nothing to do with my thoughts. I know I'm not like the rest of you but I'll try someday.
I like to reflect on my own thoughts. It can be about anything, sometimes people sometimes family. People who hurt me or people who pissed me of.
This part of my blog is only FYI. So it may not be that much important to you except the sorry part.
Anyway, my point is I'm sorry for what I wrote before ABOUT FITTING IN. Yes, I am honestly sorry. To whoever reads this, again I am sorry. You want me to say it to you but I can't say the word to anyone out loud. I am sorry for a million times. I didn't mean it that way actually. I didn't think anyone would take it so seriously and get offended. I'm sorry if i offended you too. I don't know, I feel like bowing to you and just keep saying sorry. Ah well, just forget what I wrote. Sometimes I type stuff out of my mind without thinking. Maybe because I was angry or sad or need to reflect on something but please don't take it too seriously.
You know what a blog is so let it do its job and let me express my feelings to whoever. This is the reason why I never say all the kind of bad stuff that will hurt anyone coming out from my mouth. I write it. It's better.
But sometimes people say writing is not enough and you have to say it out because your heart will be full of heartache. It is true. It happened to me but I never confess anything to anyone. I still keep it in my heart and bury it. I try to forget it and say it's long gone.
Well, this is to nash and friends: I'm sorry if I offend you. (I know I've written that so many times.) Anyway, don't take it to heart okay. I'm feeling okay. It's fine if I'm left out or never contribute to anything because I have live all my life like that ever since primary school. Don't worry. I prefer to be quiet than saying anything else unless I need to but that has nothing to do with my thoughts. I know I'm not like the rest of you but I'll try someday.
I like to reflect on my own thoughts. It can be about anything, sometimes people sometimes family. People who hurt me or people who pissed me of.
This part of my blog is only FYI. So it may not be that much important to you except the sorry part.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Book
My new publish chapter online:
http://www.booksie.com/young_adult/novel/natmz/one-step-at-a-time-to-finding-clues/chapter/
Feel free to read and maybe comment. Thank you!
I have written Chapter 2. Just click on View Table of Contents on the blue box to find chapter 2.
http://www.booksie.com/young_adult/novel/natmz/one-step-at-a-time-to-finding-clues/chapter/
Feel free to read and maybe comment. Thank you!
I have written Chapter 2. Just click on View Table of Contents on the blue box to find chapter 2.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saving energy
So, this week has been a very hard week. Teachers are tring to push the year 10s for the upcoming exams in week 5. Yap, I'm having my exams in week 5. I'm quite nervous because it's both semesters work and there are a lot to revise and catch up on. I haven't start revising yet but I will soon. I'm trying to be organise this weekend and then I will have to start waking up my brain next week. Exams are very important for me, and for everyone too, because it determines our work for next year. I will be year 11 next year so it will be very stressing.
This weekend I didn't do much. All I did was finishing my homework and assignment. Then next week I will start revising from monday onwards. Therefore, I don't have time to blog and using computer for other stuff other than just listening to music from my laptop. I want to pass. That's my main goal. I want to be successful too.
I just did my science test on friday and i alsmost screwed it cause it's hard and i can't answer most of the question. A problem there. I hope and wish I at least will get a 65% and above. No lower than that. I will work hard for my exams. No wasting time for me.
One problem. There are lost of distractions like my home is never quiet and i have to do other stuff other than homework and studying. Lets hope I will get through every single day until my exams are over than I will treat myself by relaxing for a while. But when results are coming out my heart will start pumping up. I think by next week after exam week, we will get our papers back so i will be nervous all the way while pretending to be relaxing.
Anyway, I will try to blog whenever I can. See ya when I will see ya.
This weekend I didn't do much. All I did was finishing my homework and assignment. Then next week I will start revising from monday onwards. Therefore, I don't have time to blog and using computer for other stuff other than just listening to music from my laptop. I want to pass. That's my main goal. I want to be successful too.
I just did my science test on friday and i alsmost screwed it cause it's hard and i can't answer most of the question. A problem there. I hope and wish I at least will get a 65% and above. No lower than that. I will work hard for my exams. No wasting time for me.
One problem. There are lost of distractions like my home is never quiet and i have to do other stuff other than homework and studying. Lets hope I will get through every single day until my exams are over than I will treat myself by relaxing for a while. But when results are coming out my heart will start pumping up. I think by next week after exam week, we will get our papers back so i will be nervous all the way while pretending to be relaxing.
Anyway, I will try to blog whenever I can. See ya when I will see ya.
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